Johnna'sWorld: Butts Charged With Stealing Toilet Paper

a Dose of Dave (Barry)

Thanksgiving is not merely a time of eating until we are big fat bloated carbohydrate balloons lying motionless on the sofa watching the Detroit Lions while actual gravy oozes from our pores. Thanksgiving is also a time of giving thanks --as the Pilgrims did so many centuries ago --for the fact that the malls are open on Friday. Otherwise we'd have to spend another day cooped up with our loved ones, not to mention toxic levels of leftovers, and the number of domestic drumstick assaults would be even higher than it is.

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Not everybody is comfortable with the idea of eating turkeys, which are, let’s face it, living organisms, like dogs or celery. You may wonder: Is there a more humanitarian option that you can serve for Thanksgiving dinner? There certainly is: tofu, a semi-foodlike substance secreted by soybeans as a defense mechanism. Tofu can be used as a high-protein substitute, as well as a denture adhesive or tile grout. In its natural state, tofu is tasteless and odorless, but if you form it into a turkey-shaped lump, season it well, add gravy, and bake it for two hours in a shallow pan at 350 degrees, you can also use it for minor driveway repairs.

Monday, June 11, 2007

Butts Charged With Stealing Toilet Paper

(ya just can't make up stuff as good as this...)
By Associated Press
MARSHALLTOWN, Iowa - Police blame a woman named Butts for stealing toilet paper from a central Iowa courthouse, and while they're chuckling, the theft charge could put her in prison.
"She's facing potentially three years of incarceration for three rolls of toilet paper," Chief Lon Walker said, stifling a laugh as he talked to KCCI-TV about Suzanne Marie Butts. "See, I can't say it with a straight face."

(...the article goes on to say this Butt has prior convictions for theft, thus the potential stiff sentence.)